She Is The Sunlight
by frayedattheends
Summary: Oneshot. Post "Diva", so spoilers. Brittany focused. Had to write something.


_"She Is The Sunlight" by Trading Yesterday if you want to look it up and listen while you read, or after._

* * *

It hurts. It always hurts when it comes to her, but you're okay with that. You're okay with hurting as much as you have to for her, because you don't want her to hurt at all. For so long she's been angry and scared. For so long she's hidden that beauty that you have always seen in her, always believed in; and all you've ever wanted is for her to be happy. For her to see herself the way you see her. So if you have to hurt all over, you will. For her.

Seeing her with another girl is the worst thing you've ever had to see, and that feeling is something you want to forget. You want to block it out completely. Even if you know it wasn't real, you need to unsee it.

You don't want to tell her to move on, but if she doesn't move on she'll never move forward. You didn't want to invite her out with you and him, you just want to go out with her (and maybe hold her hand, you miss holding her hand so much), but you did it to establish that line. To remind her again that there's nothing for her here. (Even though she'll always have you, and you'll always be hers and hers alone.) If she thinks there is, if she thinks there's even a glimmer of hope, she'll stay. And you won't do that. You won't hold her back just because you weren't smart enough to graduate the first time. It's not her fault that you two can't share in those dreams, but she can continue them without you. You need her to. For now. You know there's hope. You know that in the end you'll have each other. You've _always_ believed in what you two have, and you've always known that it'll be okay.

Even if it hurts like hell along the way.

You wanted so badly to take more from that kiss, but you couldn't. Not if you need to give her a push, and not when you're with him. You're not a cheater anymore. She told you you're her best friend, and you know. You know that she's saying all the things she's always had trouble saying. You know how much she loves you. And when you walked away, her fingers falling out of your grasp, you wanted so much to cling to them for as long as possible. But you let go because you had to. You have to let go.

You started to turn back, to take one more glance at the one person you love more than anyone else, but you moved on before you could look too long. Looking too long could make your resolve weak. Her eyes would make your resolve weak. You can't be weak for her, because you know she's your downfall. She always has been. She talks about taking care of you, and about you needing her, but you both know it's the other way around. You both know that you've always taken care of her, and you're never going to _stop_ taking care of her.

And now, as she's walking down the hall and away from your heart, you keep your eyes down. You know she's there. You always know she's there. You want so badly to look up. You feel that electricity pulling at you to raise yours eyes to her, but you fight it. You have to. Besides, you already know what she's only just now seeing. She's the brightest flame you've ever known, and she _is_ on fire. You've never seen her so bright, and you can't wait until she gets brighter. Until the entire world sees just how bright she can be. And you don't look up to watch her pass, because you know if she sees your gaze for long she'll see everything inside your mind. She's always been good at that. No matter how hard you try to block her out, if she's looking into your eyes she sees all of you. You used to love that, but right now you can't let it happen. You keep your eyes down on your notebook and wait for her to pass, and when she has, when she's only looking forward, you raise your eyes to watch her go.

Watching her go again hurts. The only time it ever hurt worse was in the choir room, but the difference this time is that it's your choice. She never would have made it so you made it for her. Air gets stuck in your throat as she filters out of sight, and you feel like maybe you've forgotten how to open your mouth and breathe. You've forgotten why you even have to breathe without her there. For that moment you want to run after her and tell her it's all a lie, that you need her here, but instead you turn and walk to the bathroom. You keep your chin high and your shoulders back. You're fierce, and you're strong, and you won't let anyone think you _need_ her to survive. They don't understand it. So you wait until you pass through the bathroom door before you close your eyes and let your head fall forward. You move to the sink and hold onto it as you slowly sink down to your knees. The tears are hot on your cheeks and you have to sit down, because you're shaking too much to balance yourself in any sense of the word. You grip onto the pen in your hand, hug the notebook close to your chest, and you let yourself cry.

Everything hurts. It always hurts when it comes to her. But at least now maybe she won't hurt anymore, and that's all you have ever wanted.


End file.
